Top 10 Films Not to Watch When Flying

Bad films to watch when flying do not necessarily need to have a crash in them. Some films can be scary by being subtle, or by featuring Nicholas Cage sporting a Bon Jovi hairstyle. Below are the top ten to avoid when tucking into your delicious vacuum-packed sponge puddings.

1. Die Hard 2
When John McClane, one of the greatest screen action heroes of all time, is trying to improvise runway landing lights by setting fire to some oily rags on the ends of sticks, and you are on that plane coming in to land, you can at least rest easy knowing he tried his best. Of course, when your plane explodes in a horrific fireball instantly killing everyone inside, that’s scant consolation. Ask yourself though: what chance would you have against a gang of special forces terrorists operating under the command of a man who likes to do tai-chi naked before his morning dose of anarchism?

2. Snakes on a Plane
Yes, it was a terrible movie, and it did answer in a rather sad way one half of the question ‘What happened to Kenan & Kel?’ but there was something comforting about Snakes on a Plane, in the sense that while there may have been motherf***ing snakes on the motherf***ing plane, the motherf***ing plane itself didn’t crash. So as long as you can avoid the motherf***ing snakes on any future flight, you should be fine.

3. Alive
Or The One Where They Eat Each Other. Yes, they flew Ryanair. On a more serious note, director Frank Marshall was debating whether to make the film or not when he spotted a bumper sticker that said ‘Rugby Players Eat Their Dead’. Marshall decided to make the film on the strength of that sticker. A similar story surrounds the making of Guy Ritchie’s Swept Away when he came across ‘S*** happens’.

4. Cast Away
Make sure you pack a volleyball. The trouble with Cast Away is that it assumes a middle-aged white suburban male who works for a Courier Company could actually master the art of spearing fish within the space of four years. I would say double that, and give him some extra help, like a mini-gun or a grenade, and then maybe, just maybe, he could catch a minnow. If he’s lucky. The moral of the story is to never fall in love before you catch a plane.

5. Red Eye
This one is frightening because it suggests the flight is only the beginning of your problems. Sure, a plane crash is rough, but at least it’s over quickly. In this scenario you have to stab a terrorist in the throat with a biro, then bypass airport security, then steal a car, then get home to save your dad from being gunned down by another terrorist, a terrorist you have to kill, then you find out the terrorist you thought you’d got away from is in your living room and you actually lose the fight but luckily dad has recovered in time to gun down your assailant. Then he gets all the glory! Unbelievable.

6. Flightplan
An object lesson in why children should be labelled and checked-in on long-haul flights. I love kids, but one peep out of them in the cramped, cattle-like conditions of economy doom sends me boiling over with rage. If I had been Jodie Foster, I would have been sort of glad that my daughter had gone missing part way through the flight. I would have waited until landing before going straight to lost and found.

7. Air Force One
This film actually turns out okay in the end, but that’s because Harrison Ford is the president. Take the same scenario - lethal terrorists hijacking the president’s personal 747, locking away everyone except the president and threatening to kill the president’s family unless the president gives himself up. Now imagine that president is George W Bush. See why it’s so scary? Having said that, I’d give Obama odds on.

8. Top Gun
Or, for any man who has seen this film, the bit when Goose dies. Yes, he was named after a bird but he wasn’t the one flying the plane. It was all Maverick’s fault. If you are on a flight to Benidorm and you hear any of the cabin crew being referred to as Jester or Iceman, strap on your lifejacket and pray for a quick end to it all.

9. Con Air
There are many reasons why you should be terrified when watching this film. The first is that the law of averages dictates you will be sitting near someone who at least resembles Steve Buscemi or John Malkovich. Try it next time you’re in a public place - it really works. Secondly, relying on John Cusack and Nicholas Cage to get you out of a tight spot is like lighting a match to get out of a gas chamber.

10. Cliffhanger
Why is this so scary? Because you might find that trying to help someone who has been in a plane crash ends up getting you killed. And when you are murdered by John Lithgow, yes, John Lithgow, you know you really got your arse paddled. Luckily for us, old Sly Stallone was on hand (and I use old in the literal sense of the word) to kick some terrorist bottom. Now we can all rest, safe in the knowledge that mountaintops across the world are a little bit safer.