The Best Last-Minute Valentine’s Day Gifts

We’ve all been there. Before Christmas, Valentine’s Day seems like a far distant occasion, safely wrapped in the mists of the remote future. Then all of a sudden you can see the whites of its eyes; like those frightening ‘Weeping Angels’ from Doctor Who, you blink and it’s staring you reproachfully in the face. It’s tomorrow – and this is one tomorrow, unlike most of the others we talk about, which is definitely going to come. You haven’t put any thought into it, and you don’t have a gift for that special person in your life. What makes it worse is that you just know that he or she will have one for you. So what’s a slap-dash lover to do in such a predicament, when Cupid’s arrow is meant to land unerringly in the right place on that special day?

Maybe it’s just as well to begin with what not to do. You’re going to have to do a lot of quick thinking, but it’s as well to be a little cautious about some of the ideas that pop into your head. Sometimes what feels like inspiration is just plain desperation in disguise, like the guy who had the idea of giving his girlfriend a cactus. Yep, a cactus. He may have been trying to convey a sense of enduring love – cacti are hardy and long lasting, whereas roses quickly wilt. But they’re also prickly, coyote ugly, not remotely associated anywhere on the planet with love and romance, and on occasions look… well, slightly obscene.

Cacti: no good for the love birds.

Another desperado bought his girlfriend a state-of-the art treadmill at considerable expense (he’d heard his loved one complaining about not having enough time to get to the gym). But a moment’s further consideration might have called this particular act of kindness into question. The surface message might say ‘Now you needn’t worry about racing to the gym!’ But the hidden message is likely to be read as ‘Here’s your gift, lard-arse!’ Not the best way of stoking the embers of amorousness. And an even less romantic variation on the theme was concocted by the guy who bought his wife a set of bathroom scales and some cellulite cream for her stretch marks. What was he thinking, seriously? That she would throw her arms around him in gratitude and simper ‘You always know just how to please me?’ My guess is that he spent the night alone on the sofa.

Loving intimacy was also taken to a new level by the man who bought his cherie amour a two-seater toilet, presumably so that they could gaze into one another’s eyes and exchange sweet nothings even when nature called. Some intimate moments are best kept completely solitary.

Whilst we’re on the subject of natural functions, another panicking Romeo bought his girlfriend a pack of fake doggy-doo. I’m guessing that his reasoning was running on the lines of ‘Guaranteed to bring a smile to her face and lead to a night of passion.’ On second thoughts, no. Another lonely night on the sofa is far, far more likely.

The moral of these stories is really quite straightforward: don’t trust immediate flashes of inspiration when you’re in a corner. All is not lost, even if you’ve left it until the last moment. Kitchen utensils and teddy bear pyjamas aren’t the greatest Valentine Day’s gifts. But here are a few better ideas which might protect you from prolonged sulks and cold shoulders.

Gifts of love ought not to be practical and functional; frivolity, fun and even excess are more likely to rev up the romance. If it really is the night before the big day, you’ll have to stop off at the shopping mall on the way home from work. But if you think fun and frivolity (and you’re canny enough to know that fake doggy doo might tick these boxes if you’re 10, but will certainly foul up your romantic prospects when you’re a grown-up), you might still be able to pick up some great if unusual gifts.

Always a winner.

You’ll need to combine a few to really mix fun with romance. Try popping into a toy store and picking up a game like Twister (some couples play this in the altogether!). But call in at a fancy supermarket like Waitrose or a big pharmacy like Boots and select some massage oils, too. And a special box of chocolates will always steady Cupid’s aim; a small, prettily gift-wrapped box, preferably in something like red satin, will do. If you really fancy your amorous chances, you might even try some body chocolate paint (but you’ll probably have to pop into an Ann Summers store for this – you won’t find it in the ‘confectionary’ aisle of the supermarket).

Jewellery has always symbolised love, but ask the jeweller for advice if you don’t trust your own judgement. A few other extras to consider include some romantic candles, a rom-com DVD and/or a romantic CD, some flowers or a beautiful plant like a blooming orchid, and a good quality bottle of wine. A small book of love poetry will round things off beautifully, even if you find them a little toe-curling (this is a gift where the thought behind it really counts).

Note: you do not have to be this man.

You really don’t have to be a Casanova or a Romeo, a Valentino or a Cary Grant, in order to save your bacon and show your loved one how much she or he means to you. You just have to be a little sceptical about your first ideas, which at the last minute can owe more to panic than affection. Never, ever buy a Valentine’s Day two-seater toilet or some cellulite cream. Never buy a Valentine’s food blender or a new electric steam iron. There are 364 other days in the year for you to buy functional items like these (although there is never a perfect day for that double loo).

These ideas should save the day. And, if you’ve had the foresight to book a table at a favourite restaurant, too, the danger of you ending up on that sofa will be zero.

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