Sunburn – the Horror Stories!

Posted on: July 22nd, 2009 by David Davies

WARNING: Before reading any further, please be aware that the links included in the remainder of this article lead to graphic images of extreme sunburn.

Most countries are not known for their weather. As countries, they are mild. There are few extremes of heat or cold, consistent precipitation and, in the case of the British, there is a propensity for discussing minute fluctuations in wind chill as if they are indicative of a forthcoming apocalypse. Yet we yearn for the Californian effect, the effervescent sunshine that makes them so damn rich. Somewhere along the way, having a suntan has become confused with being healthy.

A pallid complexion means you are some kind of weird cave-dwelling, crisp munching slacker, while a golden brown pallor projects an air of health-conscious, proactive energy. So now, a trip to the local supermarket is an opportunity to experience the wonders of fake tannery. A night at the average bar is like staring at a Dulux colour chart, a spectrum of oranges and browns. The image conscious man looks like his garden fence, the image conscious woman looks like an oompa-loompa. Even high salary celebrities who can afford professional tanning end up looking like this.


Incredibly, the more Orange you look, the better you are, it appears

These harmless cosmetic disasters have an unfortunate side-effect. With tan time at a premium, when those from colder climes head to the sun, their mission is to absorb as much ultraviolet light as possible. Here be sunburn.

We’ve all had it. The painful, stinging patches of redness, then itchy and flaky, turning you into some kind of Singing Detective lookalike. It makes you feel gross, but it goes away in a few days and you’re ready to get burned all over again. The problem with sunburn is that it does not take effect straight away. Over exposure can occur in as little as 15 minutes, but the actual ‘burning’ can take take over two hours to rear its ugly head. Queue thousands of pasty tourists lounging on beaches, suntan lotion sitting sealed in their cooler bags because it really doesn’t feel that hot. Worse still, once you’re burnt you’re burnt and there is no way to accelerate the healing process.


Like toast – when you’re burnt, you’re burnt!

Also, the majority of people do not sunbathe in the nude. This means that if you do happen to fall asleep with the sun beating down on you, expect to look like you’re:

a) wearing invisible aviators,

b) recovering from a fight with a flamethrower,

c) a total idiot.

Following these ridiculous red-blotch vogue poses, the body will begin to peel. This is one of the most disgusting things your body can do and it serves you right for not treating your skin properly. If you head out on to the beach without some factor-15, expect to see your

a) leg looking like a torn plastic bag,

b) arm looking like bubble wrap,

c) head looking like a condom.

Still, this pales (geddit?) in comparison to the ugliest, nastiest aspect of sunburn: blistering. Few of us have ever had to experience true sunburn, the brutal kind that requires things like dressings and the lancing of big bastard blisters in A&E. Welcome to the world of the idiot sunbather. This is where your body gives up and pretends it knows what it’s doing by covering the wound in rotten pustules which are horrendously disturbing and incredibly painful, as well as inconvenient. Some are small and inconsequential;  some are more noticeable some look like cheese on toast, some are just silly and some actually consume your entire body and make you look like fresh ginger.


Peeling is not pleasant

Perhaps worst of all, if you do get sunburnt, you can say goodbye to getting a decent tan until its healed. For the majority of the population, in particular those pale folks who want tans most badly, the skin will peel and heal and be almost the same colour as before the sunburn. Tanning only occurs through moderate exposure to the sun over a prolonged period of time, which allows the body to produce the necessary melanin to alter the pigmentation of the skin. So, if you have your bags packed for the sunshine, take some suntan lotion with you – you might not come back looking like a piece of toast, but at least you’ll be able to enjoy your holiday.

  • Lennon's Lover
    It's interesting how the attitude to tans has changed over the years.

    Now, to have a tan, you're perceived as being wealthy- having the money to go on holiday, and it also (supposedly) makes you look healthy.

    Whereas in the 16/17th Century, you didn't want to have a tan. If you had a tan it meant you were common. You had to do outside work yourself, and couldn't afford to pay somebody to do it for you. Meant you didn't sit around tables and play cards all day.

    Seems Oompa Loompa's the way forward, baby.