Which planets are best to holiday on in the Solar System

With Star Trek beaming its way into cinemas (geddit?) it’s only natural to wonder a) how far constitutes a ‘Star Trek’ and b) how many people really, honestly think it’s five years? If that’s the case the uptake on a holiday that long is going to be low. Even George W Bush would have to check his genuinely sparse diary. No, if you’re looking for somewhere a bit different for your holidays this year, try staying a bit closer to home with our handy guide to the other planets in the Solar System.

Star Trek, keeping men virgins for 40 years

Mercury: The average day on Mercury lasts 176 Earth days, making it the ideal place for a drinking session. The advent of interplanetary travel should be setting alarm bells ringing for Miami and New Orleans, because this is the place to go for the kind of stag do that would make Oliver Reed reach for the orange juice. Combine this with a barren landscape and a surface that is next to impossible to see from Earth in any detail, and you have the ultimate hideaway for the ‘under the thumb’ guy.

A proper drinking planet

Venus: The planet of love is actually a future echo of what our planet will be like if we continue to spill toxic fumes into the atmosphere. With a climate like a pressure cooker, standing on the surface of Venus will subject you to an atmospheric pressure 92 times that of Earth, roughly equivalent to being 1km under the sea, or under the gaze of Jon Stewart. In many respects, it’s a lot like Disney Land. Venus is also the name of an annoying song, and annoying lady shaver adverts which use the annoying song of the same name, and for this reason alone it’s worth visiting the planet just to see what the charts are like.

Don’t worry about Venus, it’s armless!

Mars: On the plus side, Mars is named after the god of war, and must therefore be the most exciting, deliriously crazy place in the Solar System. Unfortunately, it’s also the planet most like Earth, which would make a trip to the red planet a feeling equivalent to a night at a Holiday Inn (‘Hmm, it’s like my room at home, only much less interesting’). If in doubt, take a couple of remote controls with you and race the Spirit and Opportunity rovers sent by NASA, much to the chagrin of scientists who have spent their entire professional lives trying to find out what rocks mean. And there you’ll be, dancing like a loon among the martian dust devils. You crazy cat, you.

Who would’ve believed? Nothing happens on Mars!

Jupiter: Jupiter is Latin for Mississippi, and is bigger than the rest of the planets in the Solar System put together. Wonderfully, it also has a giant great zit on its mush, commonly known as the Great Red Spot. It would be best to land somewhere else though, as the spot happens to be a ‘persistent anti-cyclonic storm’ that is larger than Earth, reaching speeds of over 200mph at its most extreme. Depending on your outlook on life, this is either the best, or worst, place to go paragliding, though as Jupiter has no solid surface to speak of, it might be wise to pack a lifejacket.

Jupiter, with 200mph winds blowing a storm, makes
it slightly more breezy than Scotland

Saturn: Or, the One With the Rings. The most extraordinary thing about Saturn’s rings is that they’re only 20 metres in height, composed of chunks of various materials including ice, frozen carbon and abandoned fridges and shopping trolleys. Saturn also has over 60 moons, making it one of the most popular planets in the Solar System, most likely because of its pretty rings. One pseudo-factoid which I neglected to check for fear of it being an urban myth is that if you had a bath big enough, Saturn would float in it. The logistics of this would be mind-boggling, and the idea easily overtakes swimming with dolphins as the number one thing you should do before you die. So, don’t holiday at Saturn, give Saturn a holiday. In your bath.

Saturn – with the rings!

Uranus: Comedy legend Uranus was named by a German astronomer called Johann Elert Bode. Apart from his name sounding a bit like a badly constructed middle English expression of surprise, Bode had a notable flair for naming planets after rude parts of the body. Unfortunately due to a lack of observable planets he was unable to put forward his other suggestions, including his personal favorite, Ars. Uranus lies on its side too, so its magnetic poles sit on the equator. It’s also impossibly teal, rendering any kind of colour-matching scheme strangely cold and detached. You can rely on the hotels on this planet to be a whiter shade of pale.

Renamed by the PC police, Urectum

Neptune: One of the coldest places, colder than a witch’s nipple, the temperature at the cloud tops of Nepture is a tongue-stickingly freezing -218°C. It’s difficult to quantify this in any meaningful way except to imagine being given a prostate examination by a rocket lolly, held by Mr. Freeze in an industrial freezer at the top of Mount Everest playing chess against Death. Clearly Bode was unavailable on the day of discovery because Neptune was known for a while, quite elegantly, as ‘the planet exterior to Uranus’. Queue heart-stopping laughter from anyone under the age of 130. In all seriousness though, don’t visit this planet on holiday, even for a weekend. Even with a flask.

Neptune – colder than Chicago

Pluto: Not technically a planet, but that’s half its charm. Which is lucky, because this cold, barren, dullard ball of nothing rock and ice could rival a highway gas station in both the hospitality and frostiness stakes. It would still lose to the guy behind the Starbucks counter.

No wonder everyone hates Pluto. He dresses
up like a silly dog!

Other suggestions: If you’re really desperate to get that tan topped up, head to the Sun. Here, instant skin cancer and the kind of all-over bronze that would make the CEO of Piz Buin brick himself is yours to be had. Feeling more adventurous? Why not take a ride on the village bike of the Solar System, Halley’s comet. It’s a seventy-year round trip, but you see so much on the way.

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